During one of the biggest sex exhibition in the UK. Interview was done for the pros and and to learn what we could from the extreme fringes of sexuality. Among the adult stars and frankly baffling array of sex toys, one thing caught our eye: a seminar called “Cumming without cumming”.
Here, the gathered experts discussed the possibility for men to enjoy an orgasm without ejaculating. Yes, you read that right. No ejaculating – leading to the possibility of on-demand sexual highs that keep on, well, coming. Hell of a promise. It’s an age-old tantric practice but there’s also some proof that it’s a real phenomenon (it’s known as a ‘dry orgasm’in medical circles). Control, not denial, is the key (of course you can let yourself go eventually). To find out more, we spoke to leading sexologist Drew Lawson about how it’s done.
1. Relax
It might sound counter-intuitive, but learning to let go is key. It’s an excess build-up of energy that creates ejaculation and the build-up of tension in the pelvis that causes the release. As Lawson explains, “Most men that I encounter in my work will come with a lot of bad habits in their nervous systems, created from doing the same thing over and again during masturbation and repeating the same mechanical movements during sex. Often it’s based around a lot of tensing [of] the body, the buttocks, the legs, the jaw. The first thing I say is some basics around relaxing, through movement, through breath, and through sounds – guys often carry a lot of shame around their sexuality so it causes them to not say or do a lot. Relax their bodies and muscles and attitudes which will open up the possibility of reprogramming their nervous system.”
2. Work it out – but let it go
Ladies might be encouraged to do their Kegels but it’s a little known fact that men have PC muscles too (they’re the ones you use to stop yourself mid-pee). Before you can get down to separating your orgasm from your ejaculation you need to be able to contract these muscles, which will then allow you to flex them just before ejaculation, resulting in that all-hailed dry orgasm.
As Lawson explains, “having good muscular health is important but clenching comes from a misreading of Daoist practices. Kegals and PC muscles are good for men and women but clenching these muscles when you are on the brink of orgasm actually creates another layer of tension and inhibits your ability to come without coming. The primary thing guys need to do is to actually let go of clenching.”
3. (Don’t) beat a retreat
Over-excitement is, paradoxically, the death knell of good sex. And when it comes to separating out orgasm and ejaculation, the trick is to hold right back. First job: knowing when your arousal peaks, then breathing out – and maybe pulling out slightly – until you feel yourself cooling down. “Deep exhalations are really important,” says Lawson. “If you have a longer exhalation than inhalation that calms the body. Being still – holding still for a few moments is really beneficial. Many guys think good sex means hard, fast repetitive thrusting but for women, that’s not that desirable.”
Instead of trying the classic Premiership League naming trick (you know, because nothing takes your mind of the act at hand like the mental image of Peter Crouch), touching the tongue on the roof of the mouth is a Daoist trick that Lawson recommends. You can also use the pause as an opportunity to check in with your partner. Then start again when you’re sure you’ve calmed down. “There’s a script that a lot of women run,” says Drew. “The woman often wants the guy to come, it validates her attractiveness and performance, so get your partner to take the pressure off you in this regard. In the slowness there can be an energetic movement in both parties where women are more likely to have g-spot orgasms too.”
4. Break point
So what do you do when you feel that orgasm is imminent? “The key is to stay below 80 per cent,” says Lawson. “If you’re on the cusp it’s a dangerous dance. At that point it’s really important to stay as relaxed as possible in your body. That said, even when we feel relaxed, there can still be tension in our bodies.”
Focus on the other person to help take attention away from yourself. Breathe deep into your belly rather than up in the chest. And as a last point, Daoist acupressure identifies a spot called the ‘million dollar point’ located in the centre of the perineum that you can touch on to try and encourage orgasm without ejaculation.
“The only issue,” says Lawson, “is that sometimes you end up with a retrograde ejaculation where the fluid is absorbed back into the bladder. It’s not harmful, but it is counter to the shift in positive, flowing energy you’re trying to achieve.” We’re not entirely certain what that means but it doesn’t sound ideal.
5. Practice makes perfect
Don’t expect to master it first time. Or even second or third time. And share with your partner what you are trying to do. She might need to stay off the Victoria’s Secret underwear, strip tease and her own Kegel moves until you’ve cracked it. Good luck.
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